Men aren't born passive.  Women aren't born wild.  We just have that effect on each other … too often.

When and why does a conversation become one-sided, or dissolve into conflict, and how can you turn it around and stay sane? 

Here's some gut instincts research-based insights on:
-    why things often go sour between the sexes, followed by
-    four suggestions for smoother, more satisfying ways to stay connected:

At work, the man is often active, articulate, assertive, and usually successful in his conversations, especially with other men. 

But at home he can become inactive, inarticulate, and withdrawn.
He becomes passive with his wife – especially in certain situation.

Yet even when the woman works outside the home she tends to communicate in a more active way at home - and instinctively wants the same style from her mate. 

His apparent passivity drives her crazy. 

In the face of his further retreat, she goes wild.*
Then he becomes more still, and escapes at the first opportunity.

In personal relationships women often want too much talk, as men sees it. 
She feels resentful, complains, keeps asking questions, talks more, may even act bitter. 

He feels he can’t meet her needs and ends up feeling guilty and sulks. 
They both end up blaming each other.

He thinks:  If only she’d shut up.
She thinks:  If only he'd talk to me.

Here’s four ways women are more likely to engage men in the positive, lively conversation we crave:

Suggestion #1
“Stop Talking Sooner”
Or, less politely, "shut up sooner. As a child my mother washed my mouth out with soap for saying “shut up” yet that’s sound advice for women in trying to connect with men.   Women are usually immediately aware of our feelings, able to express them, usually comfortable in explaining, and asking, and elaborating... in considerable detail.

Our verbal agility can inadvertently create a wall, as women, if it gets us out of sync with men. At times, in personal, social and work situations, men and women will get closer if the speed of the conversation and the amount of words slows down.

When women feel that men are not listening, we tend to “rise” to the occasion by raising our voice and verbiage.  That is we tend to say more, faster, more intensely and at a higher volume. It is as if we are thinking, “What I said and how I said it did not work so I will do more of what did not work, and expect a different outcome.”

Our pace in conversation is faster and more multi-dimensional. We rush past and around most men. 

We need to allow a man to respond, a point at a time, at his pace, without interrupting or finishing his sentences.

If the strongest complaint women have about men is that they do not listen, then we must work hardest on leaving the time for them to speak.*

Suggestion #2
“Sidle”

While women prefer to talk, face-to-face, men pefer to sidle, standing side by side.  Research shows that both women and men like each other more and get along better when standing or sitting side-by side.

Suggestion #3
“Get Moving”
Any woman who wants better relations with a man should “walk it out”: talk while walking to the meeting, around the block, etc.

Further, when men and women are walking or eating together their body motions become more similar so they get more in sync.  Even vital signs (heartbeat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become more similar) so we are more likely to feel a natural, easy kinship.

In motion we tend to experience the best, rather than the worst side in the opposite sex.  That's good news.  Yes?

Suggestion #4 “’See’ the Situation Their Way”
Women crave longer and more continuous eye contact than men. 
To help men feel more comfortable let go of that unremitting eye gaze.  Glance away sometimes as a man is inclined to do while thinking. 
His glance away does not necessarily mean avoidance so don’t act as if it does by a your harsh tone, words or glance. 
He may be trying to gather his thoughts.


        Some Further Peace-Keeping Suggestions for Women and Men:

• It is harder to argue when you are holding hands.

• Know that showing appreciation and attention, especially when you least want to show them and the other person most needs them, will always bring you closer than asking for them.

• First look to the other person’s positive intent as you hear what what is said.

• Saying less often gets you more of what you want from him.

• Looking directly and warmly at her, rather than away, often brings out the part of her you most enjoy.

• Making and keeping an agreement usually helps the other person feel more safe, respected and cared for in the relationship.

• First try to act in a different and positive way before you verbally ask for a change in someone else.

• Don’t interrupt, especially when you most want to.

• First answer the other person’s question.  Answer it directly, without preface, qualifiers, countering, secondguessing, answering questions she or he did not ask or raising other points first.

• Do not answer a question with a question, including questioning that person’s question of you.

• Find out whether the other person feels you’ve answered her or his question or otherwise responded adequately before you move onto your question or another point or topic.

• Showing resentment and resistance will most likely escalate the hardening of sides between you.

• Rather than describing what you don’t like, ask for a specific change.

• Be willing to make a change before asking for one.

• Don’t ask for more than one change at a time, unless you want them all ignored.

• Know that the more changes you ask for the more resistant you’ll face, and the more likely it will be for you both go to your heads to think, rather than to your hearts to feel.

• Use factual language and few words to describe what you want changed.

• Use emotion-laden language and more words, to describe what you like in the other person.

• Women: Say and move less, especially when you want to do the opposite

• Men:  Give her more eye contact.  If you don’t feel comfortable answering her right away, tell her so directly.  Then tell her when you will get back to her with a response.

• In the middle of your hottest moments of discussion, remember what you most like in the other person and take the time to express it.

•Of course all these apparently wise pieces of advice are much easier to offer than to live by.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* More Thoughts on The Still Man and the Active Woman:

Joseph Heller wrote a vivid passage about what this feels like for a man in his novel, “Something Happened”:

“I try my best to remember on what terms (my wife) and I parted this morning, or went to sleep last night, in order to know if she is still angry with me for something I did or did not say or do that I a no longer aware of.  Is she mad or is she glad?  I can’t remember.  And I am unable to tell.  So I remain on guard … “

Consequently his routine around her begins by being on guard, walking on eggshells, and hers is to speak out more, sooner, longer and wait for him to “get it”, to respond.  When he doesn’t, she escalates her attack, gets more specific and detailed, motivated to get him to finally respond.  He gets overwhelmed and tunes out sooner, longer and more frequently.

You see something gradually changed.  The tenderness left. And tenderness is the lubricant in male/female love relationships.  Early in a relationship men and women are innocent until proven guilty.  We literally don’t see what we do not want to see and focus on what we adore.  Later, after repetitive “passive men and wild, wild women” episodes of friction, each person is guilty until proven innocent, from the beginning.  Because that is what we grow to expect of each other and act out to prove each other right.

The rules now?  Whatever he does is now never enough.  Right or wrong, he is always wrong.  And so is she.

How rational are our fears? 

In late 2007 a study discovered the word that evoked the greatest fear.  The study included the words spider, snake death, rape, murder and incest. 

“Shark” evoked the strongest reaction.

But why?  Sharks rarely come in contact with us.  Three reasons:  the seeming randomness of their strike, the lack of warning for it and the apparent lack of remorse.

Why this is especially important for women to understand?
We women worry more than men. Much more.

And worry leads to fear, as Adrianna Huffington has noted in her book Fearless.  Yet, how can we know when a fear for personal safety is justified and when a worry is sapping our spirit and making us see the world simply as a dangerous place?

 “Our fears are fashioned out of the ways in which we perceive the world,” wrote Gavin Becker, author of The Gift of Fear:  Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence.

1. Recognize when someone’s hostile or other less apparently dangerous actions are, in fact, a danger to you, so you can act to protect yourself, and not let unfounded fears and worry contaminate your life.

Whenever you’ve felt profound fear, it was linked to the presence of danger, imminent pain or death.  Said DeBecker, “When we get a fear signal, our intuition has already made many connections.

When you feel it, take notice to find the link back to see if you need to take action.  That’s important because as the “shark” study showed, our fears are not always “rational.”  Yet we can put ourselves in danger when we disregard our genuine fears.

The most apparently unlikely people are predators. While the media often portray human violence as random, de Becker points out that it seldom.  You can anticipate the patterns in most cases, if you listen to your instinct of genuine fear and take action.

You can better protect yourself by learning to recognize and act on the intuitive signals you pick up but reject as unfounded.

2. Worry, on the other hand, is the fear we manufacture.

Worry, anxiety, concern and wariness all have a purpose, but they are not fear.  Any time your dreaded outcome cannot be reasonably linked to pain or death and it isn’t a signal in the presence of danger, then it really should not be confused with fear.

Worry will not bring solutions.  Worry distracts from finding solutions. It is a form of self-harassment.

To free yourself from worry sooner, understand what it really is.  Most people worry because it provides some secondary reward such as:

• Worry is a way to avoid change; when we worry, we don’t do anything about the matter.

• Worry allows us to avoid admitting powerlessness over something, since worry feels like we’re doing something.  Prayer also makes us feel like we’re doing something, and even the most committed agnostic will admit that prayer is more productive than worry.

•  Worry is a cloying way to have a connection with others.  Worry somehow shows love.  The other side of this is the beleif that not worrying about someone means you don’t care about that person.  As many people who’ve been worried about know well, worry is a poor substitute for love or for taking loving action.

• Worry is a protection against future disappointment.  After you complete an important project where the success of your approach won’t be known for some while, for example, you can worry about it.  Ostensibly, if you can feel the experience of failure now, rehearse it, so to speak, by worrying about it, then failing won’t feel as bad when it happens.

But how would you want to spend the time while you find out:  worrying, playing or initiating another action on another endeavor?

For some people, worrying is a “magical amulet”, according to Emotional Intelligence author, Daniel Goleman.  Some people feel it wards off danger.  They truly believe that worrying about something will stop it from happening.

Most of what people worry about has a low probability of occurring, because we tend to take action about those things we feel are likely to occur.  This means that very often the mere fact that you are worrying about something is a predictor that it isn’t likely to happen.

The connection between real fear and worry is similar to the relationship between pain and suffering. 

Pain and fear are necessary and valuable components of life. 
Suffering and worry are destructive and unnecessary parts of life.  Worry interrupts clear thinking, wastes time, and shortens your life.

When worrying, ask yourself, “How does this serve me?”
To be free of fear and yet still get its gift (to protect you from dangerous situations), consider these techniques:

1. When you feel fear, listen.

2.  When you don’t feel fear, don’t manufacture it.

3. If you find yourself creating worry, explore and discover why.

We Choke on Anxiety
Anxiety, unlike real fear and like worry, is always caused by uncertainty.  it is caused, ultimately, by predictions in which you have little confidence.  If you predict you will be fired and you are certain that your prediction is correct, you don’t have anxiety about being fired, but about the ramifications of losing a job.

Predictions in which you have a high confidence free you to respond, adjust, feel sadness, accept, prepare, or to do whatever you need to do.  You can reduce your anxiety by improving your predictions, thus increasing your certainty.  It is worth doing, because the word anxiety, like worry, stems from a root that means “to choke,” and that is just what it does to us.

Our imaginations can be fertile soil in which worry and anxiety grow from seeds to weeds, but when we assume the imagined outcome is a sure thing, we are in conflict with what Proust called an inexorable law:  “Only that which is absent can be imagined.”  In other words, what you imagine -- just like what you fear -- is not happening.

.. .so it is worth moving away from worry (about things over which we have no control) and spreading ease and joy.  Another way to move from me to we.

As the holiday times rapidly approach we have many reasons to feel grateful - and more aware of how unpredictable life can be. 

 This holiday let’s find ways to draw closer to people we love, and to make more people feel included in the warmth of our friendship.

 Our attitude is the crayon that colors our world.

When I remind myself that 85% of Americans describes themselves as shy, as I was as a child, then I know that I am not alone in my awkwardness in approaching strangers at holiday parties.

 Tip #1. Be Welcoming

Consequently I approach a person who is standing alone and I “act as if” that person would also like to enjoy the party and become engaged in conversation with someone . . .soon.  That warm, welcoming attitude often evokes a similar response in the other person.

 

Tip # 2.  Offer Sincere Praise

What to say first? Why not compliment the host or hostess or hosting organization for some aspect of the party that you’ve already experienced and sincerely enjoy, or simply compliment them for putting on the event, posing your comment as a question to get a conversation started.

 Our kind acknowledgements are perhaps the most beautiful ornaments we can add to a holiday gathering.

• Light up the holiday room with your admiration.

• Praise what you want to flourish. 

Nothing beats sincerely complimenting another person on their insight or thoughtful gesture.  Better yet, share that compliment with others who matter to them.

 Compliment the people who brought you together at this gathering. Be specific to be more credible, caring and memorable.

 Examples:

“Hello.  Don’t all these candles really make the room look festive?”

Or:

“Hello. Isn’t it thoughtful of the Sanchez family to bring together friends from so many parts of their lives?”

 Tip # 3. Act Hospitable, and You’ll Feel More Gracious

As we employ several non-verbal cues to help make others more comfortable conversing with us, we feel more at ease too.

Examples:

 When we “sidle”, that is we sit or stand more or less side by side, we tend to feel more comfortable with each other, especially at first, and in unfamiliar settings.  Men especially prefer “sidling” to inadvertent “face-offs” although women will often stand directly facing others, by instinct.

 Shake hands.  Your vital signs (heart beat, skin temperature, eye pupil dilation) become more alike when you shake hands, and people like people who are more like them.

Motion moves people closer.  It is easier to begin conversing when you are walking somewhere together than standing still, raising and lowering a glass in your hand than standing without anything else to move, eating together at a table than in sitting at a sofa.

 Tip #4  Invite Conversation

Do NOT launch into long opinions or, in fact, any wordy beginnings of a conversation upon first meeting.  People may feel ambushed.

 There is much to be said for not saying much, especially at first. 

Go slow to go faster later in laughter and back-and-forth conversation after you feel in sync with those around you.

Now is not the time for even well-intentioned criticism or any kind of negative action, tone or words. 

As Carlos Santana was interviewed by a music magazine writer about his recent music awards he often complimented the people he learned from, along the way. 

When the reporter concluded his interview by asking Santana what he considered his greatest accomplishment he answered somewhat unexpectedly: 

‘I am becoming the people I love.” 

Now that is the kind of sentiment I’d like to exude and see in others at holiday gatherings in this often uneasy world.

I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.  

~ Gilda Radner

 

All value resides in individuals. Value is distributed in individual space, Relationship economics is the framework for wealth creation. Deep support is the new metaproduct.

~ Shoshanna Zuboff

 

There are years that ask questions and years that answer.  

~ Zora Neale Hurston

 

A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. 

~  Maya Angelou

 

All sins are attempts to fill voids.

~ Simone Weil

 

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

~ Gracie Allen

 

We only keep what we lose.

~ May Sarton

 

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

~  Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

Language is magic:  it makes things appear and disappear.

~ Nicole Brossard

 

Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith.

~ Adel Bestavros

 

Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.

~  Emily Dickinson  

 

For fast-acting relief try slowing down.

~ Lily Tomlin

 

If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?

~ Dolores Huerta

 

 

Grace is available for each of us every day - our spiritual daily bread - but we've got to remember to ask for it with a grateful heart and not worry about whether there will be enough for tomorrow.

~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

Love often leads to healing, while fear and isolation breed illness. And our biggest fear is abandonment.

~ Candace Pert

 

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

~ Mother Theresa

 

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

~ Lily Tomlin

 

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

~ Lily Tomlin

 

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.

~ Lily Tomlin 

 

Absence becomes the greatest Presence.

~ May Sarton

 

A true leader is not one you look up to because they are the best. A true leader is one that draws the best out in you.

~ Anne Warfield

 

The minute one utters a certainty, the opposite comes to mind.

~ May Sarton

 

When the night has been too lonely, and the road has been too long, and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong, just remember, in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow, lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose.

~ Amanda McBroom

 

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. 

~  Anais Nin

 

I don't want life to imitate art. I want life to be art. 

~  Carrie Fisher

 

Bloom where you are planted. 

~  Nancy Reader

 

Only when the clamor of the outside world is silenced will you be able to hear the deeper vibration.  

~  Sarah Ban Breathnach

 

It is only through disruptions and confusion that we grow, jarred out of ourselves by the collision of someone else's private world with our own.   

~ Joyce Carol Oates

 

Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.

~ Sarah Ban Breathnach