If you happen to be in the San Francisco Bay Area July 12th, you may want to hear three savvy experts on how to build your personal brand, and that of your company. I'm honored and somewhat daunted to be speaking just before them. Here's SVAMA's evening agenda: Embodying Your Company's Brand: Inspire Employees to Emulate Your Firm’s Brand Experience When you or your co-workers’ behavior clashes with your company brand, the effect is more intensely felt than when they act to reinforce that brand experience. Gain specific insights into how to behave, speak, create experiences and partner to burnish your brand message. PART ONE A presentation on the latest analysis of Tech Marketing Trends from Kare Anderson, an Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal reporter who’s spent a decade translating behavioral research into triggers to inspire others to brag about “our” brand you’ll exactly discover how to: • Act and speak authentically to reinforce your brand message • Tell the detail others love to retell to boost your brand’s visibility • Create the context that positions your product or firm as the best choice Hear how companies as diverse as Nomura Securities, Bellagio and Trader Joes guide and support their employees in reinforcing an explicit brand experience. Kare Anderson is publisher of the Say it Better newsletter and author of SmartPartnering and other books. PART TWO Brand Executives Panel discusses ways to embody your company’s brand and marketers motivate others to reinforce your brand experience. Moderator: Kare Anderson, Author and Publisher Panelists • David Perls, Director of Branding Strategy, Charles Schwab & Co.. • Rick Barsotti, Partner/Account Executive, Groove 11. • John McWeeny, Senior Vice President, Business Development, TurnHere. See links here http://sayitbetter.typepad.com/say_it_better/2007/07/become-the-face.html

To catch the consummate liar who spoke proudly of his ability to detect lying in others, the most devastating American spy, the mole within the FBI, John Hanssen, the young FBI agent, Eric O’Neil was asked by his bosses to lie repeatedly to entrap Hanssen. On a plane flight back from speaking in Washington D.C. (ironically the setting for this story), I sat engrossed in watching the scenes of mutual mental seduction between these two FBI agents in the movie, Breach.

One way people who are going to lie unconsciously perfect their ability is to deceive themselves about what they are doing, according to renowned evolutionary biologist, Robert L. Trivers.

Deliberate deception takes considerable effort. One must hold both the truth and the untruth in one’s mind, and consciously suppress the truth. To reduce the tension of such a mindset, habitual liars tend to make themselves believe the untruth they are telling.

In short, they deceive themselves into believing what they are going to say, at least for the moment.

Thus, the “best” way to lie is to marshal evidence that supports one's view and ignore evidence that contradicts it.

Like many other aspects of brain functioning, self-deception does not require people to sit down and decide they are going to lie to themselves. (That would actually defeat the point of self-deception.) No, it usually happens subtly, without the person even being aware of it.

Before you begin to feel righteous about those other people who lie, researchers remind us, we all lie sometimes. And self-deception is a universal trait of being human – just like other attempts to influence.

"The costs of deception are being detected and punished," Trivers said. "There is definitely a downside to self-deception, and that is you are putting yourself out of touch with reality, but it cuts down the risk of getting caught." The traitor, Hanssen deceived his colleagues in the FBI for years. I thought that the cost to his psyche may have led to his double life of sexual perversion and religiosity – or vice versa.

Since the disturbing-sounding fMRIs are not yet widely available, you can learn how to detect lying more often by reading Paul Ekman’s Telling Lies. See links herehttp://sayitbetter.typepad.com/say_it_better/2007/07/how-self-decept.html

"We learned to chant, ‘I used to date a beauty queen. Now I date my M-16.’”

You could get court-martialed for losing your weapon, and here they’ve lost 14,000!” said former Army captain in Iraq, Patrick Murphy. This after he heard that 14,000 weapons that the U.S. military gave to the Iraq military were missing - and probably being used to shoot at American soldiers.

He’s now a "Bue Dog" freshman representative to Congress from Pennsylvania. Murphy wants the U.S. out of Iraq and focused on Al Qaeda. He sees himself as a hard-liner on the real threat. He is direct, thoughtful and articulate in the interviews I've heard.

Who ever most vividly characterizes a situation
 usually determines how others see it in their mind’s eye,
 feel about it, talk about it and act on it.

In short, the one who sets the context usually wins the hearts and minds of others. However you feel about the war, please read on to see the power of labeling to create an opinion-forming context on the issue that matters to you.

Jonathan Alter, writing for Newsweek, feels we need a new context, “War critics desperately need a new bumper sticker, a way to commit to withdrawal without looking like surrender monkeys.” Yet I agree with Steve Benen that the majority of Americans already want to get out. They are frustrated that the Democrats folded on funding.

I also agree, however, with Alter’s point, “To get a sense of how inept Democrats are at framing the debate, imagine if 9/11 had occurred under a Democratic president. You can bet that Republications would go on the floor of Congress (and on cable TV) and say, ‘This is day 2,110 since 9/11 and the man who ordered the massacre is still at large.’ The next day, they would say it again, and again the day after that.”

Even and especially the complex issues need to be characterized in simple and stark terms so people will care enough to learn more.

Is your description of your favorite cause, product, organization – or person the vividly credible characterization that’s most frequently adopted by others?
See links here
http://sayitbetter.typepad.com/say_it_better/2007/07/who-labels-your.html

Enrique travels north on the top of trains, through blistering hot days and chilly nights, longing to see his mother who left Honduras when he was five, arriving in the U.S. to get a job for the family to survive. Eight times he attempts to reunite with her, experiencing hunger, robbery, rape and beatings by callous police and predatory gangs. Others fare worse, falling from the train or jumping and missing it.

Sympathetic people in poor neighborhoods of Oaxaca and Veracruz threw food and clothes to him and the other migrants as the trains pass by. To put your most vexing grievances into context read about Enrique's Journey, by Los Angeles Times reporter Sonia Nazario. Feel his sorrow and that of 48,000 other children, separated from their mothers, who meant to help them yet instead left them feeling abandoned and alone.

Each morning, each moment choose to feel grateful after hearing and reading about Valentino Achak Deng, one of the "Lost Boys of Sudan." When he was seven, his village was destroyed by Arab militiamen at the outbreak of a scrambled civil war. For months the surviving boys, growing into the hundreds, walk towards “the promised land” of Ethiopia. Some were eaten by crocodiles or lions. Some were shot. Some went insane. But Ethiopia is just one of many stops, including ten numbing years in one refugee camp, before he eventually gets into the U.S., where he is still trying to find his way. This gripping book is "What Is The What," by Dave Eggers.

When his village in Sierra Leone is burned and most are slaughtered by an army of rebels seeking to replace the central government, 13-year-old Ishmael Beah and five friends run for safety. Everywhere there is burning, raping, looting and shooting.

Ironically, only in the Army can the boys be protected. Fed cocaine, steeped in vengeful anger, they are forced to become boy soldiers. They slits throats, chop arms, shoot prisoners in the head. Redemption, Deng learns, is a rocky path, not a cinematically climactic moment, and never complete, on his long journey to a new life in the U.S. His story is A Long Way Gone.

I know that the readers of this blog include some who have also gone through harrowing times and others, like me, were lucky by birth. I may have started life in a safe place yet can only live fully when I recognize the depth to which we are all connected.

As the “lucky us” take action to support those in peril, on their path towards a safe “home” we, too, may enjoy the numinosity of feeling at home in our world. Feed your soul. Find your path for supporting someone in our world family. Feel grateful for the opportunity. This one found me.  See links here http://sayitbetter.typepad.com/say_it_better/book/index.html

There is a Tibetan saying "If you want to know your future, look at what you are doing in this moment." This may seem childlike but I always find it easiest to make a change in my life by picturing a very specific and compelling reward for the change.

What wonderful, new experience will I get to have?
How will I have moved closer to being my true self?
Conversely, what boring, unpleasant or fear-provoking task or person will I now experience in a more comfortable light or no longer have to experience at all?

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself," wrote Leo Tolstoy. What habit do you want to drop or pick up? From body fat to a bright new job we obsess about but often block our own change. Here’s some steps that have proved helpful to me.


Find Your True North
There is a Thai word, "sanuk", which means whatever you do you should enjoy it. First be clear about choosing a habit-changing goal that is powerfully valuable to you. Why put effort in an "ought to do" goal, based on others’ wishes for you, when you can serve your true self by going for the one that you’ll truly find most satisfying? As Keniche Ohmae wrote in The Borderless World, "Rowing harder does not help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction. Applying more muscle is no solution if the course is off."

Perhaps you are choosing a new habit that is someone else’s goal for you, not your own. If you really don’t enjoy moving toward that change, you may be acting against your deepest preferences. "Problems that remain persistently unsolvable should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way," wrote philosopher, Alan Watts in The Book.

Picture Being Your Hero
Keep picturing the experience of your success when you are tempted to fall back. As Soren Kierkegaard, the19th Century Danish theologian said, "People celebrate achievements and spotlight heroes but the truly heroic act is not the outcome but in starting out and not knowing if you will succeed." "A vivid imagination," wrote Aristotle, "compels the whole body to obey it." Emile Couce wrote in Willing, "It is the imagination and not the will that is the dominating faculty of man. It is a serious mistake to advise people to train their wills; they should learn to control and direct their imaginations."


Keep picturing yourself as the hero who has succeeded to make a self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather than talking about what you are giving up or how you might fail, always think and talk about your goal as the inevitable future—what is going to be.


Use Your Homing Device
Look inside for your "Homing Device" of your most powerful motivation or passionate interest that can be related to your goal. As Dr. Beverly Potter wrote in her book, Finding a Path With a Heart: How to Go From Burnout to Bliss, "When we pay attention to our Homing Devices and follow their guidance, we invariably feel right about ourselves and in perfect harmony with people and activities in which we are involved in the moment…Not all targets (goals) are the same. Some are easier to hit. Some are more fun. Compelling targets have a magnetic force that pulls you toward them."


Surround Yourself with Support
To keep your resolve, surround yourself with those who want you to succeed.


In the book, The Healing Brain, psychologist Robert Ornstein and physician David Sobel, suggested we learn that the need for community is a key part of our evolutionary heritage and a way we can learn to change. The brain’s primary purpose is not to think, but to guard the body from illness and despair. "The brain acts as an internal health maintenance organization, governing everything from the release of stress hormones to the functioning of the immune system. It now appears that the brain cannot do its job of protecting the body without contact with other people. We have evolved to be dependent on others. Evolution has less regard for the individual than for the survival of the species. " For your evolution toward your goal, plant yourself firmly among those who will reinforce your desired behavior."

How Do You Get Detoured?
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." wrote David Russell. Notice your pattern for avoiding your course toward your goal. What activities do you use to get sidetracked? What time of day or day of the week is it most likely to happen? What else is happening that can numb you into avoidance? What colleagues and friends help or hinder you on your path? Discover these patterns now and you will be more powerfully productive toward this and all the next goals you set for yourself. But don’t be too hard on yourself when you’re not perfect. As Charles Garfield wrote in Peak Performance, "On course doesn’t mean perfect. On course means that even when things don’t go perfectly, you are in the right direction."


Confirm That You’re on the Right Path
Look at what happens to you as you are moving toward a change in your life. How are others close to you reacting? What new experiences happen? As Jean Shinoda Bolen wrote in The Tao of Psychology, "Synchronistic events can assure us when we are on the right life path; and advise us when we are not; at the most profound level, they assure us that we are not mere observers but always participants in an interconnected cosmic web." On a more basically worded level, see how the changes you make affect your self-image and your relationships with others. Simply speaking, do you enjoy your life more?


Be Your Best
I believe those who will gain the most professional satisfaction in an increasingly challenging and competitive workplace will be those who choose to get very good at one single skill. For those in broadcast engineering, it might be the combination of a technical skill for a certain kind of organization serving a certain kind of market. Like goal-setting, the more specific the skill, the more likely the success and sense of satisfaction to be attained. We may not all be as lucky as Billie Jean King (I certainly wasn’t) who wrote in her autobiography, Billie Jean, "When I was five or six… (I) told my mother I’d be the best at something; by the time I was twelve, I knew what I’d be best in. But it is never too late in life to choose your "best."


Plan a Great Reward
Before you start a new habit, plan how you will celebrate when you meet your goal. The bigger the change, the larger the reward you deserve. Let others who supported you, savor it with you. You might be just the inspiration to help them make their own big life change. See more ideas aat http://sayitbetter.typepad.com/

Getting enthusiasm is a little like learning to breathe: Nobody can tell you exactly how to do it, but without it you're in big trouble. No one but you can discover that compelling purpose or exciting goal that ignites enthusiasm inside you, but you can learn a great deal from others about how to use it to maximum advantage.

Here are some insights I've learned from some real experts on enthusiasm; what's more, I've tested and proven them in the laboratory of my own life.

1. Enthusiasm is born on the inside

In the daily grind of life you can lose touch with what really matters. There are so many routine decisions to make, so many challenges to be met, and so many burdens to carry, that you can lose your perspective. However, as you connect with the enthusiasm planted deep within you, you'll feel it begin to grow and grow. Soon, you'll be back on track.

It's not the first mile of a long and arduous journey that gets to you - you're excited about getting started. And it's not the last mile - you're thrilled about getting there. The miles that get to you are the long and tedious ones in the middle where you can't see where you're coming from or where you're going.

Always remember that enthusiasm comes from the inside out, not vice versa. It's easier to motivate yourself from within than to pump yourself up with empty sayings.

2. Enthusiasm grows when you focus on solutions and opportunities, not problems and circumstances

Life for you will always be as you choose to see it. You can focus your attention on the problems and circumstances that surround you, or you can keep your eyes on the solutions and opportunities.

I recently read a story that illustrates it better than I can explain it. It seems that a number of farmers in Pennsylvania were sitting around complaining about the increasing cost of electricity and the unpleasant task of disposing of all the waste their cows generated.

But the Waybright brothers and their brother-in-law, who run the Mason Dixon Farms near the town where I went to college - Gettysburg, decided to quit complaining about all the manure the cows were generating, and to do some generating of their own - electricity. They built a power generator that runs on methane gas produced from heated manure from the 2,000 cows. Generating much of their own power, they cut their annual electricity bill from $30,000 to $15,000.

As you might guess, most of the other farmers laughed at the project and called it "Waybright's folly" (and other even less flattering names). They were satisfied to see their problems and to seek out their Congressmen to complain about their miserable circumstances.

But no one's laughing anymore. In fact farmers, Congressmen, and agriculture ministers from around the world are beating a steady path to the Mason Dixon farms. Soon the Waybright brothers were selling some of their excess power to their once jeering neighbors.

And that's no bull!

Okay, so you're not in the cow business, and your biggest problem is not electricity bills, but the principle works in any area of life. Enthusiasm - with all the good things that go with it - comes when you turn your eyes from the problem or circumstance and focus on the solution and opportunity.

3. Enthusiasm thrives around positive people

A lot of people say that enthusiasm is contagious. My experience would indicate that negativism and pessimism are far more contagious. It is always easier to believe the worst than to hope for the best - especially if you are struggling against overwhelming odds. It's even worse when you're tired, or have just suffered a severe setback.

Don't waste your creative energies on people who are always putting you and your ideas down. Seek out those positive and successful people who can give you a boost. If you want to be enthusiastic and have the enthusiasm that produces success, always spend your time with positive, enthusiastic, and successful people.

4. Enthusiasm recharges itself on momentum

Jerry Reed's popular song of many years ago put it very nicely: "When you're hot, you're hot!" Believe me, it's more than empty words. Of course, William Shakespeare said it with more eloquence in these famous lines from Julius Caesar:

     "There is a tide in the affairs of men,

     Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;

     Omitted, all the voyage of their life

     Is bound in shallows and miseries."

It's when you feel most enthusiastic that you need to throw yourself into life's biggest challenge. Celebrate your greatest victories by plunging into even greater challenges. Take full advantage of the momentum you gain with each hard-earned step.

Nothing feeds enthusiasm like success, and nothing can hold back enough enthusiasm.

First, ask yourself these questions to find the right partner and method:

• What other businesses (or non-profits) are popular with your kind of customer?

• What groups could add extra value to your kind of product or service?

• How could a bundled offer of you and your partner's products better respond to a customer's situational reason to buy?

Here’s some low-risk, high-opportunity ways to jumpstart a first SmartPartnership:
 
1. Place joint promotional messages on your web sites, customer bills or other places your customers read.

2. Offer a reduced price, special service, or convenience if customers buy services or products from you and your partner.

3. Hang signs or posters promoting one another on your walls, windows, or
products.

4. Mention one another's benefits when you speak at local events or are interviewed by the media.

5. Display or demonstate the joint use of your services with those of your partner

6. Pool mailing lists and send out a joint promotional postcard.

7. Promote your partner’s products during their slow times, and ask them to
do the same for you.

8. Share inexpensive ads in local shopping papers or a nonprofit event program.

9. Give a joint interview to your media, complimenting each other throughout.

10. Put one another's promotional messages on display stands on counters or
floor stands in waiting areas.

11. Encourage your staff to mention how your partner's products can be used
with yours.

12. Give your partner's product to your customers when they buy a large
quantity of your product, and ask your partner to do the same.

13. Use door hangers, posters, flyers, or postcards to promote special
offers for one another's products.

14. Co-produce an in-store or office display, event, mini-seminar, demonstration, celebrity appearance, ask the expert opportunity or one-time free service.

Tip:
Remember, the bottom line benefit of this tool is that at the very least, with the right partner and method, you get introduced to each other's customers.

In my book, SmartPartnering, you'll  discover the ten best methods, exact steps to take, pitfalls to avoid and hundreds of success stories for profitably partnering for your cause, club or business. <http://sayitbetter.com/grandstore/SP_1.html

1. Anticipate what you want out of a situation before you go into it.
Know your bottom line in advance -- what you need most, especially if you have strong negative or positive feelings about the other person or people in the situation.  You can then be more open, flexible and able to listen. Not anticipating your bottom line needs increases the chances you'll be more rigid and reactionary and less able to listen.

2. Demonstrate visible goodwill upfront.
Establish your willingness to find a compromise and ability to be genial even and especially if you don't like the person or the situation. This is first a commitment to your own standard of behavior, and secondly the best way to keep the channels open.

3. Know that "less is often more."
Especially in the beginning, listen more, talk and move less and keep your motions and voice lower and slower. These animal behaviors increase the chances that others will feel more safe and comfortable around you.

4. Go slow to go fast.
When you first meet and re-meet people, move and talk more slowly and obliquely. Give them room to "own their territory" and feel heard. Later you can be more direct and move quickly. For role models, watch the classic tv lead characters in Murder, She Wrote, Matlock and Columbo.

5. Act as if the world is going to treat you well.
Look to their positive intent, especially when they appear to have none.

6. Play with your full deck.
You have a great variety of personal physical and verbal styles, most of which you've lost after around fourth grade. Practice widening your range of behaviors to adapt to the moves and sounds in you which are most like the person you are around.

7. Step outside yourself to see the situation as the other people might.
In hostile situations we tend to focus on the best parts of how we are acting and the worst parts of how they are acting. This causes escalation. Presume innocence. You can't support the positive behavior with negative feedback.

8. Make an instinctual habit to refer to the other person's interests first.
Refer to their interests first (you), then how the topic relates to your mutual interests (us) and finally, how it relates to your interests (me.)

Research shows they will listen sooner, longer, remember more and assume you have a higher I.Q. than if you were to address your interests first, and then theirs.

9. Act to enable them to save face and you will preserve the relationship.
If you think they are lying, keep asking questions rather than acusing them of misrepresentation. Asking questions gives you the time to see if you were mistaken, thus possibly saving face for yourself, while gently cornering them to make a self-admission that they were mistaken and volunteer an alternative. You also leave room to escalate later.

10. Honor commonalities more frequenlty than bringing up the differences.
Whatever you refer to most and most intensely will be the center of your relationship. Keep referring to the part of them and their points that you can support and want to expand upon.

11. Don't assume they readily see the picture you are presenting.
Do not presume that the other side recognizes all the benefits of what you are proposing. Take time to vividly describe them. in their terms.

12. Don't push to close.
When considering how fast to move in suggesting a "final offer", lean towards the slower option. The best results, as with a Chinese meal, happen with the most time spent on advanced preparation and groundwork, so the final part goes most smoothly and quickly.

13. Have a point person.
If there is more than one person representing your interests, make sure that only one person is responsible for taking the lead in discussions.

14. Don't offer what you can't accept.
Do not bluff in making an offer you cannot life with, if accepted. For example, including parts which you believe the other person would find unacceptable and not accept and then would move onto another alternative.

15. Make the same offer a different way.
Do not overlook rearranging the same elements of an offer to find a more mutually attractive compromise. For example, in money, consider alternative timing and division of payments.

16. Walk your talk.
Find ways to reflect your values in how you approach your work and all the people in your life. Your specific life mission gives you clarity, context and boundaries.

17. Be present.
Keep grounded and involved in what is happening right now, glancing to the past and future only for context and balance.

18. Consider how you say what you say.
Consider their perspective in how you make any request. Example, a priest once asked his superior if he could smoke while praying, which led to a negative answer. Yet if he'd asked if he could pray while smoking he might have received a more positive response.

19. Make and keep agreements.
In an often unpredictable world, you build an "emotional deposit' of trust when your words and actions aren't contradictory. then when your inevitable mistakes happen, they have built up a level of trust to help them forgive your lapse.

20. Have a larger vision of yourself as your reference point for making choices.
Establish your central life purpose and core values; let your actions reflect them. Your choices are then more clear, you will inspire trust and encourage others to act out their best side.

21. Take your high road.
Relate your vision to the mission of your organization and your role among family and friends.

22. Use time, rather than letting it control you.
Plan and act early to avoid last minute rushing and thinking. Do not be panicked when you have unavoidable outside time constraints. Use the time ressure to get more accomplished in less time.

23. Find fairness first.
Remember it is usually more important to be -- and appear to be-- fair than well-liked. And, while not mutually exclusive, they are not always synonymous options.

24. Agree amongst yourselves first.
If more than one person is involved in representing one perspective in a conflict, it is always helpful to agree on the bottom line first among yourselves; and to not mistake knowing the content to be discussed with agreeing on your common bottom line. We don't always hear the same things, even among genial colleagues. Thus your bottom line and specific approach bear repeating amongst yourselves before entering discussions with others.

25. Enable others to save face and self-correct.
If you embarrass or anger someone you will probably never have that person’s full attention again.

26. Recognize your blind spots and your hot buttons.
When you find yourself getting angry with someone else,  look to yourself before lashing out.

27. Show respect for yourself by respecting them.
Even and especially when you have the upper hand, do not make a victim of the underdog.

28. Trust the power of trust over all other qualities.
Being right, smart or hardworking is often no help in protecting your interests. Being trusted to act in mutual best interests is often more valuable.

29. Be a "synthesizer "leader.
The person who listens longest at first, then most refers to others' points in common as a way of stating their own perspective will eventually gain the most trust and power in a group.

30. Support their ability to like how they are acting when around you.
People like people who like them. The more they like the way they are when they are around you, the greater the chance is that they will like you, even give you credit for things you did not do and go out of the way to help you, event to their own detriment.

On the other hand, if they do not like the way they are when they are around you, they will blame you for it, more than they are consciously aware. They won't give you credit for things you did and may even sabotage projects on which you are working, even to their own detriment.

31. Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are discussed.
When you continue arguing for more than ten minutes,  you are not discussing the real,  underlying conflict that must be resolved for compromise to be attempted and then peace restored.

32. Aim humor at yourself.
Release tension by being self-deprecating. Poke fun at yourself. Refer to a situation where you made a mistake or even looked foolish.

1. If you ever embarrass someone while trying to reach an agreement, you will never have that person’s full attention again.

2. Even and especially when you have the upper hand, do not make a victim
of the underdog.

3. Offering something free and valued up-front, unasked, often implants the
desire to reciprocate, even beyond the value of the offer.

4. Problems seldom exist at the level at which they are discussed. Until
you recognize the underlying conflict, you will not be able to
find a solution.

5. If you want more from another person, wait to ask for it until after that person has invested more time, energy, money, reputation, or other resource.

Imagine! The number one reason people get fired in the U.S. is anger, and
the number one problem people say they have at work is they do not feel
heard and respected.

How do we make staff and customers feel heard  - even and especially when they are difficult to be around -- and still stand up for ourselves?

Here are some more "tools" to add to your "toolbox" for the next time someone is upset and taking it out on you. None will work all the time, and some will work better for your personality style than others.

Here’s five easy-to-adopt ways to connect, not conflict, with others:

1. Lighten Up
When others begin to act "hot," we instinctively tend to either

1. Escalate (become like them and get loud, more hostile, or other
mimicing reactions), or

2. Withdraw (poker face, quiet down).
Either approach gets us out of balance. Both are self-protective but
self-sabotaging reactions. They are akin to saying "I don't like your
behavior -- therefore I am going to give you more power." Instead, slow
everything down: your voice level and rate and the amount and frequency of
your body motions.

Be aware that you are feeling a hot reaction to the other person. Instead
of dwelling on your growing feelings, move to a de-escalating action and
leave room for everyone, especially the person in the wrong, to save face
and self-correct.


2. Take the "Three A's" Approach
• Acknowledge that you heard the person, with a pause (buys time for both
to cool off), nod, or verbal acknowledgment that does not immediately take
sides ("I understand you have a concern" rather than "You shouldn't have .
.. ." ) or involve blaming or "bad labeling" language ("Let's discuss what
would work best for us both now" rather than "That was a dumb . . .) that
pours hot coals on the heat of escalation and hardens the person into their
position.

• Ask for more information so you both can cool off more and you can
find
some common ground based on her or his underlying concerns or needs.
Try to "warm up" to the part of the person you can respect -- focus on it mentally and refer to it verbally: "You are so dedicated" or "knowledgeable" or whatever their self-image is that leads them toward rationalizing their
behavior.

• Add your own. Say, perhaps, "May I tell you my perspective?" This sets
them up to give you permission to state your view.


3. Presume Innocence
Nobody wants to be told they are wrong. Whenever you have reason to believe someone is lying or not making sense, you will not build rapport by
pointing it out to them. Allow them to save face and keep asking questions
until you lose imagination or control. Say, for example, "How does that
relate to the . . ." (then state the apparently conflicting information).
You might find you were wrong, and thus you "save face." Or, by continued
nonthreatening questions, you can "softly corner" the other person into
self-correcting, which protects your future relationship.

4. Look to Their Positive Intent, Especially When They Appear
to Have None
Our instincts are to look for the ways we are right and others are . . .
less right. In arguing, as the momentum builds, we mentally focus on the
smart, thoughtful, and "right" things we are doing, while obsessing about
the dumb, thoughtless, and otherwise wrong things the other person is
doing. This tendency leads us to take a superior or righteous position, get
more rigid, and listen less as the argument continues.

Difficult as you might find it, try staying mindful of your worst side and
their best side as you find yourself falling into an escalating argument.
You will probably be more generous and patient with them, and increase the
chances that they will see areas where you might be right after all.

5. Dump Their Stuff Back in Their Lap
If someone is verbally dumping on you, do not interrupt, counter, or
counterattack in midstream, or you will only prolong and intensify their
comments. When they have finished, ask "Is there anything else you want to
add?" Then say, "What would make this situation better?" or "How can we
improve this situation in a way you believe we can both accept?"

Ask them to propose a solution to the issue they have raised. If they
continue to complain or attack, acknowledge you heard them each time and, like a broken record, repeat yourself in increasingly brief language
variations: "What will make it better?"

Do not attempt to solve problems others raise, even if they ask for advice
-- they might make you wrong. People will spend more time proving their way
works best than using a method suggested by someone else, even someone we love or like. It's only human.

The secret is all in understanding a code.
It is a most elaborate code that is written nowhere,
known by none, and yet understood by all. That secret
is how we tell each other, without words, what
we really feel.

How do other people perceive you, especially upon first meeting you face-to-face? 

How well do you anticipate another person’s discomfort before that person freezes up and becomes paralyzed, withdrawn or even destructive in a situation? 

Whichever side of the table you are on, these skills are crucial to your ability to lead, mentor or be a “MVP” valuable team player with your staff, vendors and customers.

Whether you making a presentation or listening, the boss or support person, being interviewed for a job or conducting an interview, selling or trying to decide whether to buy, your ability to project a comfortable confidence and approachability  -- and to detect another’s degree of comfort  - will always play a huge role in your ability to sell, lead or otherwise get things done  - with others.


Early Warning Signs of Increasing Emotional Intensity

Here are some ways to observe increased emotion.  Learn to look out for them in yourself as well as in others.    

Sweating:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Blinking more:  Might indicate an increase in some emotional feeling.

Dilated pupils:  Often indicates arousal or fear.

Blushing:  Might signal embarrassment, shame, anger, or guilt.

Talking louder and faster:  Usually signals anger, fear, or other excitement.

Talking slower and softer:  Might signal sadness or boredom.

Body gesturing:  Signals a negative emotion, usually fear or anger.

Breathing fast and shallow:  Indicates the presence of emotion.

Are You Out on a Limb?

Gestures are emblems of feelings. Using too many gestures usually takes away from the potency of your natural presence, just as talking high, fast, loud or at great length diminishes your power and credibility.

Most people cannot help “leaking” their feelings. Fortunately, few of us are attuned to noticing the often subtle signals that indicate strong emotion in others. Or we misread the signals.

Your body is a hologram of your being; a three-dimensional movie that is constantly running, showing others how you feel about yourself and the world. As you walk through life, is your body saying what your words are saying? Your body is a three-dimensional "full-motion" billboard to the rest of the world. Even if people are consciously reading your body language, they subconsciously react to your body signals.

Tour Your Body for Vital Signs

For example, if you are literally uptight – rigid in any part of your body, especially your face, where most people focus most of their attention in conversation – people will instinctively resist or react against you and your comments. This phenomenon is akin to bounding a hard rubber ball on a concrete surface and then on a soft carpet. The ball bounces higher and faster against the hard surface than the soft one, of course, just as others react more against your "hardened surface."

Suggestion: Whenever you are entering a potentially volatile or even new situation, loosen up physically. Walk, stretch, and work on the areas where you tend to hold most of your tension.

Probably – like many conscientious, hard-working people – you hold your shoulders higher and slightly more forward than is natural, with one of the tendons in your neck tightened up even more than the other. If someone can give you a quick 10- to 15-minute shoulder and neck massage, you will enter a situation more relaxed and others will respond more softly to you.

This is a good time to get acquainted with your body again, as you were as a child. If you don't know where you hold your tension, and most people don't, take a tour of your body so you can know what needs the most loosening – and exercise.

Are you shouldering the world's responsibilities, or perpetually drooping? In your determined drive toward success, do you plant your feet solidly on the ground in a life gesture of hostility, defiance, or taking ground?

Perhaps you have a forward-leaning posture, with your head tilted slightly forward, as if ready to spring into action, actually expressing a lifelong pattern of flight away from psychologically threatening situations when you thought it was part of your makeup to leap forward to new opportunities.

To be depressed is, in fact, to press against yourself. To be closed off is to hold your muscles rigid against the world.

Being open is being soft, with no instinctive muscle-clenching, such as the jaw-tightening that is a growing pattern in Americans, even into their sleep. Hardness is being uptight, cold, separate, giving yourself and others a hard time. Softness is synonymous with pleasure, warmth, flowing, being alive, drawing other people toward you rather than forcing them away.

Are you itching to get at someone? Is a colleague a pain in the neck? Are you sore about something? What is your aching back trying to tell you? Is there someone or something on your back? What about your ulcer, allergy, or muscle spasms? Is there someone you cannot stomach? What is it that you would like to get off your chest, or your back?

Your body speaks to you all of the time, telling you your own needs. Listen to it. It is your free and most sophisticated medical feedback testing system, continuously showing you your inner tensions, state of mind, and habitual life attitudes.

When you are misaligned and tense, you expend outrageous sums of extra energy in the everyday gestures of life. Because the body is a high-viscosity substance that is 60–80% water, your bones are floating in a relatively fluid environment. Over time, despite that apparent fluidity, you have tightened the muscles around every major experience of pain, fear, or anger.

In Western society, we usually hold the tension somewhere in our upper bodies, whereas in many Eastern cultures, the tension tends to be held in the lower body.

We all hold great muscle tension around certain bones in blind remembrance of fearful events, long after the actual events are probably long forgotten. You continue to tighten these muscles each time you think you are experiencing similar situations, thus guaranteeing that you make your pattern of uptightness increasingly habitual, until it becomes an almost permanent condition you no longer recognize as not normal.

Ah, the misleading appearance of maturity. You might never recall what initially made you afraid, but you can note where your body reacted to protect itself. Then spend more time in your exercise and massage or other bodywork to relax and loosen those muscle groups.

We go through life making decisions, closing down and limiting ourselves unconsciously. If you don't begin a regular practice of exercise and stretching, you are guaranteed to lose mobility sooner as you age, robbing yourself of the most positive and alive present you can offer the world every day – a loose and relaxed presence.

Stay open literally by getting in motion more frequently. Stand and stretch at least every twenty minutes when you are sitting and working. Try to walk, hopefully in sync with someone else, in fresh air and sunlight, at least thirty minutes a day. As Dr. Dean Ornish wrote in his most recent book, Love and Survival: The Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy, our survival depends on the healing power of love.

One of the safest and most natural ways to move closer to others is to walk with them. Walk farther to the restaurant. Walk and talk on the way to the meeting. Walk with your loved one, rather than sitting at home, to come down from your day together. Motion is emotional and makes every event more vivid and memorable. Literally move toward the one you want in your life and loosen up together.

Your life could depend on it.

Last month your colleague asked you to present your team's ideas for streamlining some of the tasks in your unit. The meeting is today. You're thoroughly prepared and confident that your team's ideas are worthwhile.

 When it's time to make your presentation, you speak rapidly and profusely, waving your hands and arms for emphasis. When you sit, you sit still, smiling and looking at other people in the meeting. When the meeting's over, you're surprised to learn that almost nobody remembers your ideas or likes the ones they can recall.

 As this scenario makes clear, first impressions are crucial. You make your first impression with other people within 7 seconds, and that's the one they'll carry away.

 The way you gesture, sit, and smile can make the difference between success and failure in any situation. Research proves that hundreds of subtle, but important, nonverbal cues strongly influence how others perceive us: weak, powerful, credible, untrustworthy, aggressive, or passive.

 Nonverbal communication is an elaborate code written nowhere yet understood by all. The way you move may provide the single most powerful impression you'll make.

This article will help you understand how to make a solid and credible first impression. But first, let's take a look at what you might be doing wrong.

 Gender cues

 Researchers say that the fewer hand and body gestures you make, the more powerful, deliberate, credible, and intelligent you're perceived to be. Women and men display different nonverbal communication. For example, in a videotaped study of how women and men entered a room to a meeting, the women exhibited an average of 27 different major movements; the men, only 12.

 A woman might take off her coat, set down her files, adjust her hair and clothing, pull items from her purse, and so on. Observers of the videotape believed that women took longer to be composed than men, distracting attention from what they said in the meeting.

 In conversations, women tend to "hand dance" when making a point. They may feel they're just being expressive, but they're really leaking emotion-a distraction from overall impact.

 Ever wonder why men are more likely to be perceived as leaders than women? They tend to use fewer, lower, and slower movements. And most women who are leaders take the same less-is-more approach to body language. Less is more

Every movement you make should count. If you move too much, consider going on a "body motion reduction diet." Lower and slow down your movements to reinforce an impression of deliberateness and thoughtfulness.

Less is also more when it comes to talking. Listen more. Speak less. Ask pertinent questions; don't add filler conversation. Don't be afraid of silence. Lean slightly forward, occasionally paraphrasing the other person's comments and using her name. Don't fidget or look away.

 Space issues

Along with slow movements, the way you use your space can make a difference. A leader takes up more space than others. For example, in a group setting where people are seated, a leader will tilt slightly forward, with elbows on the chair or table, appearing relaxed. By taking up more space, she appears to be taking charge.

Many people who feel powerless tend to draw their bodies in toward themselves, sit straight up, hold their arms close to their body, and keep their legs tight together. They'll either make too many motions or none at all.

Getting it right

 Here are some tips to improve your body language.

 Be asymmetrical If you were to take a photograph of a leader at rest and cut her in half, the left half would differ from the right. For example, a leader will rest her chin on one hand, not two; she'll cross her leg at the knee, not the ankle; she'll gesture with one arm, not both. People who are in symmetrical positions take up less space and have a smaller presence. An asymmetrical position conveys that a person is relaxed, self-assured, and credible.

 Practice. Power building is projecting, and you can become what you practice projecting.

 Thoughtfully and deliberately, you can hone your best first and lasting impression by practicing these tips, one at a time. And remember, your actions really do speak louder than your words.

Business professor Thomas Harrell discovered over a decade ago, when studying the traits of the most successful alumnae from Stanford’s MBA program, that they all shared one ability: fluency in talking with others. Grade-point average, by the way had no bearing on their success.

Think if this study when you notice that someone has been sending you emails rather than calling or meeting you face-to-face.

In fact, when you get together, does she or he stand back or avoid holding eye contact or speaking up?

While there are many possible reasons for their behavior, that person may, in fact, be chronically shy. More than most of us, they are extremely uncomfortable in social situations, especially around people they do not know well.  Shy people tend to smile, touch, and speak less. In social situations they experience rapid heart beat, perspiration, and butterflies in the stomach.

As renowned Stanford professor, Philip Zimbardo suggests (in typical academic style), “Ordinarily, people tend to take credit for success and to externalize failure, or at least attribute it to unstable, specific and controllable factors. This attribution style protects self-esteem and promotes continuing efforts toward interpersonal and professional goals. In contrast, self-reported shy individuals reverse this bias in social situations by blaming themselves for failure while also externalizing success.”
http://www.shyness.com/encyclopedia.html#V

What a destructive self-fulfilling prophecy!

Shy people think more negative thoughts about themselves, expect to be rejected, and perceive others as unapproachable. They are more likely to forget information presented to them when they believe they are being evaluated. In short, the world looks like a scary, unfriendly place, so—ironically—they often look unapproachable.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shyness
At what cost?

Shy people have more trouble meeting people, conversing, and forming relationships.

In his study, Thomas Harrell found that “The number one factor linked with success was social extrovertism, the ability to speak up,” something shy people are least apt to do.  As Never Eat Alone author, Keith Ferrazzi so aptly notes when writing about Harrell’s study of MBA graduates, “Those that had built businesses and climbed the corporate ladder with amazing speed were those who could confidently make conversation with anyone in any situation. Investors, customers, and bosses posed no more of a threat than colleagues, secretaries, and friends. In front of an audience, at a dinner, or in a cab, these people knew how to talk.”

http://800ceoread.com/products/?productid=0385512058

Two potent negative consequences of shyness are:

1) Shy people have greater health problems because they tend to have a weak network of friends, are less resilient to illness, and less likely to give doctors sufficient information to be treated

2) They're less likely to make money, live up to their potential at work, or feel appreciated for their contributions.

Why do more people describe themselves as shy? Is it our growing social isolation? With less time spent in face-to-face interaction, people are less comfortable with their ability to connect.

What can you do to reach out through your shyness? Seek out and create safe environments to experience the non-shy parts of yourself, without fear of judgment or negative consequences. Over time, you'll know that you can survive and even thrive in situations that had seemed scary.

Most of my childhood I was quiet and kept to myself, mostly because I enjoyed daydreaming and reading. But most people thought I was shy. I had to learn to reach out more so people would be comfortable with me.

When you connect and care, you live better—not because those gestures are always acknowledged, but because it is your brave and warm expression of how you want to live your life.

What has most worked for me in overcoming shyness, is to find the person in a group who appears least comfortable and engage that person in conversation. 

To discover what makes that person tick.  Perhaps even more importantly, uncover what most matters most to that person. 

And, finally, of paramount important, what the person in front of you believes she is best at and enable her to demonstrate that expertise or talent.  Then one’s own shyness somehow melts away without consciously thinking about it, as the conversation inevitably takes interesting turns – and she warms up to you – and you to the best part of her.
.

You can make some simple changes in how you dress, move or speak and discover that you have fewer conflicts and greater opportunity to build enduring relationships from smoother daily interactions. From the research on our gut instinctual reactions, here's some easy-to-adopt suggestions.

 1. Sidle. People are more likely to like each other, remember more of what they discuss, and agree when they "sidle," standing or sitting side by side, rather than facing each other.
 Two women or a man and a woman are more likely to face each other. They literally "face off". Two men instinctively sidle. Siddling brings people "in sync." Walking and talking gets you further connected. The best time to resolve issues is while walking together to the meeting, not when you are in the meeting, sitting across from each other.

 2. Look for the underlying issue. When you are arguing for more than ten minutes, you are probably not discussing the real conflict and are thus unlikely to get it resolved in the discussion. Look for the underlying issue. Read Robert Bromson's Dealing With Difficult People for ideas about how to recognize difficult behaviors and ways to respond to them.

 3. Detect lying earlier. When lying, most people can put an innocent expression on their face when you ask them a question about the topic, yet few (except pathological liars) get the right timing or duration of that expression.

Ignore the expression itself when they respond but note whether they appear to put it on too soon or too late and if the duration of the expression seems off. Here your instincts will often guide you to knowing their truthfulness. To learn more about how to detect lying, read Paul Ekman's book, Telling Lies.

 4. Come back to your scents. Since smell is the most directly emotional sense, bypassing much of the brain's thinking process, consider how to introduce positively natural and uplifting scents into your environment as your own "sane self-indulgence."

A naturally scented environment refreshes people, so they feel uplifted. That's why outlets as diverse as the Rainforest Cafe, Sahara Vegas Casino, Disney/Epcot Home of the Future and San Francisco Aquarium have created natural "signature scents" to avoid allergic reactions while refreshing those they serve.

Language is magic:  it makes things appear and disappear.
~ Nicole Brossard

The greatest use of a life is to spend it on something that will outlast it.
William James

A life without cause is a life without effect.
~  Barbarella 

Dwell as near as possible to the channel in which your life flows.
~ Henry David Thoreau

There never was a good war or a bad peace.
~ Benjamin Franklin

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
~ Carl Gustav Jung

Walk with the light
 ~ Kare Anderson (yep, little ole me)

At some point while watching a movie or TV show you've probably
wondered, "How do actors remember all those lines?"
Good news! The actors' secret to memorizing new lines is
an enlivening method we can all use to absorb new information --
and keep our brains nimble.

First, here's what actors don't do: Attempt to sit and memorize
a script, line by line. In fact, most don't consciously try
to memorize lines at all.

Cognitive psychologist Helga Noice at Elmhurst College and
her husband, cognitive researcher, actor, and director
Tony Noice at Indiana State University, discovered that the
secret of actors' memories is, well, acting.

"An actor absorbs lines readily not by focusing on the words of
the script, but by attaching emotional meaning to what they
want to remember to say. They feel their character's intention
in reaction to what the other actors do, causing their lines to
come spontaneously and naturally," according to the Noices.

As actor Michael Caine once said, "You must be able to stand there
not thinking of that line. You take it off the other actor's face."

Actors seem to link words with movement, remembering action-
accompanied lines significantly better than those delivered while
still, even months after a show has closed. The physical motion
didn't need to be repeated at the time of recall.

People who paired their words with previously learned actions
could reproduce 38 percent of them after just 5 minutes, whereas
rote learners managed only 14 percent. The Noices believe that
having two mental representations gives you a better shot at
remembering what you are supposed to say.

Tip:
Study information you want to remember by imagining you're
conveying its meaning to somebody else who also wants to know
the information. You'll retain more than if you tried to memorize
the material by rote.

Discover more memory-building insights from actors by reading
the Noices' book, *The Nature of Expertise in Professional Acting:
A Cognitive View*

Avoid the "stop sign" words that stop people from listening
further or liking you. One of the most potent stoppers is "but."
For example, if you compliment someone and then say "but,"
that person doesn't believe you meant your positive comments.
She instinctively thinks it was a set-up to say what was
really on your mind. Then she shuts down from what feels like criticism.

Now, that's a destructive one-two punch.

What's worse, research shows that people react sooner
and more intensely to what they experience as
another person's negative behavior than positive.

*Talk Is NOT Cheap* author Beverly Inman-Ebel suggests
dropping "but" from your conversation. Instead of saying,
"You did a good job, but you went over budget," say
"You did a good job. It is important for you to stay within budget."

For more on this, ask Beverly to email you her article,
"Words That Cause Trouble" <http://www.talklisten.com/speaking/>,
read my article "Resolve Conflicts With Yes Triggers"
and then move on to Harriet Lerner's book, *The Dance of Connection*

On a fall morning in 1998, a teacher at a Tennessee high school
noticed the smell of gas in her classroom and soon felt dizzy
and nauseous. Some of her students then reported feeling ill as well,
and they were transported by ambulance to a nearby hospital.
As concerned staff and students watched them go, some of them
started feeling sick too.

That day, 100 people showed up in the emergency room
with symptoms they believed to be associated with the
exposure to gas at the school. But the illnesses could not be
explained by medical tests. Environmental tests conducted
at the school concluded that no toxic source could be the
cause, according to results published in the *New England
Journal of Medicine*.

The people experienced real illness, although not caused by germs
or fumes, according to Timothy F. Jones, lead author of the paper
and deputy state epidemiologist at the Tennessee Department of Health
<http://www.aafp.org/afp/20001215/2649.html>.

"It was not an infection, but it was certainly transmitted,"
Jones said.

This phenomenon is called mass psychogenic illness.
Symptoms are passed from person to person among people
who are visible to one another.

"You get sick because you see someone else getting sick," said Jones.

We "catch" even subtle emotions, such as happiness and anger,
from other people and yet we are often unaware of the influence
of other's emotions and behaviors on our own. Read more about
contagious behavior in Malcolm Gladwell's bestseller,
*The Tipping Point.*

Tip:
Learn compensating methods in Suzette Haden Elgin's book,
*How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable*

Words have an infectiously emotional effect, as a study
by University of Hawaii professor Elaine Hatfield illustrates
<http://www2.hawaii.edu/~elaineh>. In her lab, Hatfield and
er colleagues studied whether people catch the emotions of
others and how much they are affected by verbal descriptions
of feelings as compared to nonverbal facial and postural cues.

In one study, participants watched the videotape of a person
describing a positive or negative memory. The tape continued to
show the person as he viewed his own taped description. The
person expressed surprise at the emotion showing on his face,
saying he felt very different from how he appeared on tape.

The participants then assessed that person's emotion, as well as
their own. Participants relied on the person's self-description
of mood -- even more than how that person actually appeared
to feel in the video. That is, if the person said he felt much
sadder than he looked, participants rated him as quite sad.

Think of the implications! We may put aside our own perceptions
in watching someone react -- if that person offers a
different characterization of how he felt than what we saw.
Read more about the extremes of emotion, how they happen,
and what makes them contagious in Hatfield's articles and books.

Tip:
To learn how to maintain composure when responding to a
hot situation, read Marian Woodall's book *Thinking on Your Feet:
How to Communicate Under Pressure*

I Do Feel What I See

Be aware of how others affect your mood. When participants
in that study I described above rated their own emotions,
they were much more similar to the emotion expressed by
the person's nonverbal cues.

In effect, the participants' moods were affected by
the person they observed -- but they responded to his
displayed emotion, not his stated one.

This suggests that if we think we begin to feel an emotion
when interacting with another individual, it's quite possible
that person is also feeling the same emotion.

Concluded Hatfield, "We're reflecting what they feel.
If we feel irritated at a colleague, for example, then
that client is probably irritated at us or something else."

Learn ways to improve your life by improving others' moods
when they are around you by reading my book, *LikeABLITY*

What role you play in groups? Read this study and decide.

Groups of participants were brought into a lab to complete a
simulated managerial exercise under the guidance of Sigal
Barsade, an associate professor of management at the Wharton
School of the University of Pennsylvania
<http://www.wharton.upenn.edu/faculty/barsade.html>.

Each group included a research assistant who was told to act
either positive or negative and to exhibit either high or low energy.

Examining both participants' self-reported moods and independent
video coders' ratings, Barsade found that individuals grouped with
the positive-mood research assistant became more positive over time,
while those in the other group became, as expected, more negative.

"We aren't emotional islands," said Barsade, who added,
"We are walking mood conductors."

Also, the positive-emotional-contagion groups experienced
increased cooperation, less conflict, and improved perceived
performance compared to those in the negative condition.

In fact, the group emotional experience was so powerful
that in some groups the participants ended up exchanging
phone numbers after the study, according to Barsade.

Discover how you can become more positive and thus more resilient
and successful by reading Martin Seligman's *Learned Optimism.*

Blaise Pascal ended his long letter to the Jesuits
on December 4, 1656, with this apology, "This is long
because I lack the time to make it short."

Your brain can only "hold" about seven bits of information
in short-term memory. That's why the most remembered advertising
messages are not more than ten words. In fact, four of the
top ten slogans of the 20th Century, as selected by
*Advertising Age* magazine, are five words or less:

1. "Diamonds are forever." (De Beers)
2. "Just do it." (Nike)
5. "We try harder" (Avis)
10. "Where's the beef?" (Wendy's)

Hint: If you want someone to remember what you say (and
how can you persuade her, if she can't recall what you said?),
make your point that pithy.

"Be brief; for it is with words as with sunbeams. The more they
are condensed, the deeper they burn," wrote Robert Southey.

Reinforce your memorably brief message by:

1. Adding a dash of humor.

~ Pulitzer Prize-winning author Art Buchwald, 80, is dying from
kidney and vascular ailments. In fact, after he chose to forego
life-prolonging dialysis, his doctor predicted he'd be dead by now.
"I have death on hold," he jokes.

A parade of family, friends, celebrities and reporters continue
to visit his hospice bedside. All arrive, he says, complaining about
the parking. "Dying is easy. Parking is impossible," he quips back.

~ A website for new parents called BabyCenter uses this slogan,
"You push, we deliver."

2. Making a Striking Comparison

~ Musician Jon Hendricks is the father of vocalese, the art of
setting lyrics to jazz instrumental standards and then having
voices sing the instruments' parts. That's why *Time Magazine*
dubbed him the "James Joyce of Jive."

~ A woman in the Midwest uses WD-40 to keep squirrels from
shimmying up her birdfeeder. WD-40 CEO Garry Ridge can now boast
"More people use WD-40 every day than use dental floss."

~ The Skoll World Forum on Social Entrepreneurship
<www.sbs.ox.ac.uk/skoll/forum> is called the Davos
of social entrepreneurship <www.weforum.org/en/index.htm>.

In her book, *POP!: Stand Out In Any Crowd* , Sam Horn shows you ways to become
more well known by being Purposeful, Original, and Pithy. Discover more in my book, Make Yourself Memorable.

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
~ Lily Tomlin

"Everybody experiences far more than they understand. Yet it is
experience rather than understanding, that influences behavior."
~ Marshall McLuhan

"To be successful you can't show up to the potluck with just a fork."
~ Dave Liniger, co-founder and chairman of RE/MAX International

"Follow your dreams.'' This message, spray-painted on a concrete abutment
near the interchange of highways in the San Francisco area, was painted
over quickly several times during April and May, probably by our
state agency, Caltrans. About a month ago, a new message appeared:
"Fine, live in despair!'' This one has been left alone.

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when
words become superfluous."
~ Ingrid Bergman

"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always
come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them."
~ Henry Mencken

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered
the trick is to discover them."
~ Galileo

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer."
~ Zora Neale Hurston

"I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned, the hard way,
that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a
clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing,
having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it,
without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
~ Gilda Radner

1. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

3. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick.”

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market to be promoted during a visit by the Pope. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).

7. Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave”, in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then searched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.

To whom do you turn when you want to make a smart choice in an unfamiliar area?  Why a maven, of course. 

• How does the style and reliability of the sleek new VW Passat stack up against that elegant “pre-owned” Lexus ES 300 (or was it a GS 300?), and should I lease or buy, or buy over the Net or from a dealership? 

As word spread that I was contemplating a new car, passionate, determinedly helpful friends and friends-of-friends came out of the woodwork.  Without encouragement, these mostly male mavens advised me in extraordinary detail.

 It was their passionate interest, not mine.

 I am grateful.

As I diligently perused car reviews, web sites and brochures, it soon became clear that I’d never know as much as the two car fanatics who helped me choose. After securing agreement on a car model and price, then getting the runaround upon arriving at the car showroom, I returned, escorted by my main car maven, who expertly negotiated the final deal. 

Such mavens do not expect quid pro quo for their efforts, just the satisfaction of using their expertise to help e people make the “right” decision. 

That’s why I enjoyed advising my car maven in turning his bramble-filled back yard into an English garden two years earlier.

• A tireless, respected proponent for world peace, former U.S. president Jimmy Carter was, perhaps, the most persuasive maven that Fidel Castro could have recruited. 

In visiting Cuba, Carter advocated more civil liberties there  - and open trade between their countries. 

Plus, in true “Say It Better” style, Carter used compelling details to make his message memorable: “I want the people of the United States and Cuba to share more than a love of baseball and wonderful music."

• When selecting summer hiking shoes, I called Serena, a longtime outdoor explorer.  She asked about the kind of terrain I most enjoyed (high mountains with often rocky trails) and then suggested a specific brand and style of boot.

Then she insisted on taking me to the best store to get exactly the right pair. 

You already know that your most credible, cost-effective way to attract people to your ideas or products is through your clients’ happy referrals. 

But some clients’ are vastly more valuable to you than others.

You know that’s true from how you make choices in unfamiliar areas.  Whether it is computers, environmental causes or gourmet cooking, somebody you know – or their acquaintance - knows most everything about that subject. 

Mavens are eager to help you.  

With their avid involvement you will make “the right” decision faster, and gain peace of mind.

Thu mavens can be your best messengers or worst nightmare.

They have inordinate power to damage or to burnish your reputation.

More than most anybody else, the mavens on your area of interest are mostly likely to gain the attention of the people you want to reach. 

If they like what you offer, your prospects will hear about it and seek you out.

Several researchers, economists and authors have tracked and described their power, most memorably, Gladwell in his brilliant book, The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference.

Find and cultivate your mavens and you‘ll gain free, smart, passionate and tireless support.

How? 

Help them:

1. Have more opportunities to demonstrate and share their expertise

2. Exchange knowledge and find camaraderie with other mavens.
 
3. Be “in the know” early regarding innovations, trends or other “news”

4. Provide ideas for improvements, early warning of problems, new uses and other mavens to involve

Here’s some quick examples:

•  A spa wanted to expand their manicure business. 

For “lifelong nailbiters” they stayed open Thursday evenings to offer three free manicures per person. 

Avoiding embarrassment, nailbiters received “upkeep” suggestions as they were pampered together.  In turn they were observed and asked for advice about how to reach other to other nailbiters. 

One suggestion: reach nailbiters while they are young and the habit is not as ingrained. 

Result:   Nearby gradeschool teachers and pediatricians were then offered a free manicure and flyer about the “healthy nails” offer, that they could share with students, patients or their parents.

Thus the spa befriended three kinds of influencial mavens on this delicate topic: recovering nailbiters who want to show they can stop, those who love them and those who are in professions dedicated to helping them. 

• Inferon (formerly Sears Point International Raceway) in northern California hosts free, quarterly private races for the top five percent of amateurs who use their tracks most often, with private, post-race coaching from pros.

Other vendors such as the racing uniform and carmakers are invited to discuss their product innovations, often before they are officially introduced to the public. 

The result?  Pro and amateur racing mavens shared their favorite kind of experience, thus deepening their knowledge and passion to share with other potential racing enthusiasts.

• What if full-time, professional dog walkers were periodically invited to meet in nearby dog parks to share their views with a pet store manager?  Walkers are mavens of the dog/owner connection. 

They are front-line experts on leashes, dog snacks, dog training, and the irritations, pleasures and guilt feeling of their clients, dog owners. 

Through them pet store managers will reach more pet owners, and discover better ways to serve them. With permission, the store could display the dog walkers’ suggestions for products, and their use, in ads and store displays.

Dog walkers gain new clients while the store gains increased sales.

"Does stuff have to look like an action movie these days to
exist in the front half of our brain?

This stuff isn't even on the news.

We devote more attention to things we cannot prevent. I believe
that kind of thinking offends the intellectual rigor of the people
in this room," said rock singer Bono when describing the depth of
need in Africa.

By remote satellite connection, Bono was accepting an award last month
for his activist work from TED, an annual meeting of tech wizards and
other kinds of trailblazers.

Although he was not with the group in person, most attendees said his message was the highlight of their lively meeting. See Bono giving this enormously moving message at
>http://www.ted.com/utils/streamingplayer.cfm?videoName=bono_edit&videoLength=723&pageTitle=%3Cstrong%3ETED%3C%2Fstrong%3EPrize%20%2D%20%3Cstrong%3EBono%3C%2Fstrong%3E&flashEnabled=1

Notice how he grabs their attention by moving from the specific detail --
a comparison is one of the most evocative details one can use --
("action movie") to the general conclusion ("We devote&")

"What turns me on about the digital age is: You have closed the gap
between dreaming and doing," Bono said.

"Imagination has been decoupled from the old constraints. I would
like to see idealism decoupled from the old constraints. The
geopolitical world has a lot to learn from the digital world."

He spoke movingly of his travels in Africa, of famine and AIDS and
civil wars killing millions of people, of "a continent in flames."

Warning:
The more educated you are, the more steeped in your niche of knowledge
and fervently interested in it you are, the more likely you are to start
in the opposite way from how Bono began.

You may begin with generalizations.

They are not as memorable or as credible as specifics.

People will stop listening before you stop talking.

Bono evoked the most successful way to inspire people to care
about "his" cause.

He made it theirs too.

First he specifically and authentically praised them.

Then he described how working on this cause was the natural next step for them to again demonstrate their highest  values and talents.

Here's how.

He addressed the former "bearded, beaded, Birkenstock-wearing
West Coasters" in the room. "You rewrote the rules for the rest of us . . .
You changed the digital world. You can change the physical world."

Notice the power of starting three sentences the same way: "You."

He did not start those sentences with "I."

He made his message about them -- making their lives more meaningful,
not him and "his" cause.

As a credible advocate for his cause, Bono has stayed specific and
on message for several years now, thus ensuring that he is congruent,
quotable, and a great recruiter for his cause.

Bono specifically asks us to:
~  Build a movement of 1 million Americans-turned-activists for Africa.
~  Get 2 billion media impressions for the campaign for Africa.
~  Get all the schools and hospitals in one African nation, Ethiopia,
wired by the end of 2006.

One TED attendee, prominent venture capitalist John Doerr, said he
was impressed with Bono's "capacity to harness the imagination,
caring, and strengths of this community . . . to move from success
to significance."

Note how the power of "s" alliteration strengthens Doerr's comments.

We do not have to be rock stars to make our message so palpable to
others that they, too, are attracted to serving a higher cause with
their best talents.

For related ideas on how to be heard, liked, and
respected, read these articles:

"Speak English Like it Tastes Good" <http://www.sayitbetter.com/articles/sib_speak_english_tst.html>,

"Bring Out the Best in Others" <http://www.sayitbetter.com/articles/con_best_in_others.html>,


"Be an Author of Your Life Story" http://www.sayitbetter.com/articles/con_author_life_story.html

For still more ideas, read ...

*Make Yourself Memorable: Communicate
with Skill and Power* <http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=MMP&Category_Code=KP>

*LikeABILITY: How to Come Through Conflict to Create a Happier,
Higher-Performing Life for Yourself -- With Others* <http://sayitbetter.com/store/merchant.mv?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=LE&Category_Code=KP>

Here's an approach to harnessing the power of specificity to build credibility.

To avoid writing drivel or deadeningly dull descriptions, Guy Kawasaki, founder of a Silicon Valley venture capital firm and author of *The Art of the Start*
<http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1591840562/qid=1112063639/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/102-8877084-6679363>,  suggests using the "opposite test" on adjectives you're tempted to use,  especially in marketing materials.

Reverse the meaning of each adjective and ask yourself, would anyone ever say this about their company or their products?

If not, then your original adjective is meaningless.

For example, Kawasaki says, "It would be fine to describe your product as 'intuitive, secure, fast, and scalable' if your competition describes its product as 'hard to use, vulnerable, slow, and limited.'

However, this probably isn't the case, so you're saying nothing."

To get your point across, replace each hollow adjective with a concrete, factual statement:

For "intuitive": End users need no training.
For "secure": No one has ever hacked it.

This way, notes Kawasaki, you're less likely to sound exactly like competitors, who too often act as if customers have not heard the prevailing "same-old, same-old."

Dr. Mardy Grothe <www.chiasmus.com>  once invited
readers of his witty newsletter on chiasmus to complete this thought:
"The world would be a better place if . . . ."

Here are three submissions:

   The world would be a better place if . . .

   . . . the religious were more peaceful
    and the peaceful more religious.
    - Aggie Kui

   . . . writers would read more
    and readers would write more.
    - Ed Sizemore

   . . . thinkers were more in touch with their emotions
    and emotional people more capable of thought.
    - Stan Martin

"With emergency lights and sirens or silent speed through the dark,
a metaphor travels outside of the usual lanes of logic to gain attention,
anchor memory, cause hearts to beat again, and douse doubts,
said Anne Miller, author of the book *Metaphorically Selling*
<http://www.annemiller.com/Metaphorically_selling_anne_miller.asp>
in an interview with marketing coach Marcia Yudkin
<http://www.marketingformore.com>.

A metaphor (an implicit, vivid comparison) works particularly well
to overcome a blind spot in someone's thinking, says Miller.
Using an unexpected, well-chosen idea, a metaphor "can transport
someone from the place where he has dug in his heels to a
whole new place, where he cannot bring his emotional baggage."

For instance, an insurance broker who couldn't get a particular client to
sign the contract sensed that the client thought the idea was wise
but didn't feel any urgency to act. The broker learned that the client
had a passion for growing apples, visited him in his orchard and
asked why he was spraying the trees that day.

"The client understood now, and signed," wrote Yudkin in her newsletter.

Try using Yudkin's free "Business Name & Tag Line Generator" to
create a product, cause or company name, or tag line that
"sparkles with distinction." <http://www.yudkin.com/generate.htm>.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mind. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers
in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteers be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Isn't it amazing how much our minds can process?

The creators of Buzzwhack  a fascinating newsletter that coins new phrases or words to describe trends and situations, invited their readers to submit their own contributions.

A favorite of mine is Microwaiting.

That's from Christopher Paulin, who explains that it is "The time spent in front of the employee break-room microwave while your lunch heats up."

Read more at their site: < http://www.buzzwhack.com>,